I was at a meeting in Auburn and spent a few minutes digging around the stores for some of the (occasionally) funny football shirts, when I discovered the secret of Auburn’s football success this season: Power Force Ion Infused Wristbands!
These wristbands “work with your body’s natural inner force” and contain “ions that work with your body’s energy to give you confidence from within.” Based on my years of observation, the only ions I have seen reliably giving confidence have been ethanol ions in aqueous solution. And it’s obviously not THOSE ions helping Auburn to such a good season, so this must be something special.
I did further research, and discovered a scientific analysis of the product by its manufacturer (from Guangdong, China). Their homepage is here: http://www.hottime.cn/ but I don’t care enough to find the research page there. On the research page you learn lots of amazing things about them. It’s almost entirely a list of absurd claims for every medical and scientific scam over the last century. They make you more “stable” so you can’t be knocked over (they have pictures to explain this)!
The research page contains this exciting list:
Benefits of energy:
Reduces inflammation
Promotes unclumping of cells
Enhances immune and endocrine systems
Has the ability to destroy viruse [sic] and bacteria
Enhances cellular nutrition and detoxification
Increases energy
Helps to protect DNA from damage
Helps to fight cancer cells
Strengthens the bodys [sic] biofield
Increases focus and concentration
I knew all of this MUST be the secret of Auburn’s astounding football success this year, where the team has the chance to win more games this season than the last two seasons put together. Surely major American university bookstores and athletic departments wouldn’t be selling their name and this product without thoroughly reviewing the evidence supporting these amazing claims!
Auburn’s success is plenty of evidence for me to trust that this product delivers everything it promises! I don’t need to research any more.
Wait, I’ve got one more page open from my google search…Oh, never mind, this page has new evidence that contradicts everything above about Power Force Ion Wristbands and football success.
[Added 12/22/10] This story, about the Australian consumer watchdog group ACCC cracking down on Power Balance bracelets seems relevant, though the company uses a different name. The product looks identical.